Well I went to bed last night with the attitude I was going to get up and do something today. I planned on getting a very badly needed haircut and whatever else I could think of doing. Well as I woke up this morning that attitude quickly changed. I always wake up feeling rather bad, but usually that will pass some what with a little time. More than likely that is caused by my meds.
So as I start to come around this morning I start getting pain on the right side of my upper abdomen about where my gallbladder use to be. This pain is usually caused by the sphincter of oddi the doctors thought I may have at the beginning of this nightmare I call life right now. Well as time goes on the pain become worse and I finally take a pain pill. Usually the pain pill will help, but today it hasn't the pain has gotten worse.
The pain is bringing back the depression that I have been dealing with and was doing better with. It gives me a feeling of worthlessness. It's hard to describe how I really feel mentally, and physically. It's like I am being stabbed with a hot knife. I was having this pain just kind of come and go at times, but today it has been constant. I am at a point I don't know what to do. It is the kind of pain you would go to the Emergency Room for, but with me not working right now my wife is burdened with the bills I have created of the last several months. So I don't want to go to the ER and create another bill. I just want this to end. I hate this so much. I am in pain and I can't get anyone to listen to me. I know it's not in my head it's actual pain. This is come to the point it is ridiculous. In today's medicine a person should not have to suffer.
Sadly this is one of the few things that is least understood by most doctors. Many women have described it as being worse than childbirth. I want to go somewhere that this is understood and a specialist can deal with it with the least amount of complications. The best place to go is in South Carolina. Problem is I don't have the money to go there and I don't have anyone to go with me. If it wasn't for my wife and kids I probably would have already lost my mind, which I think is happening anyway. I just want to go back to a normal life and get back to work. My wife says that I am not the same person I use to be. I understand what she is saying, but I am the same person. I am just a person begging for help right now. I have done all I can to seek help, but I can't seem to get it. I don't ask for much, but to get well and get back to my family as the person I use to be. I miss the things I use to be able to and miss the dreams I use to have. I use to dream of a living a health lifestyle and being all I could be for my wife and children. I feel I have failed them all as well as myself.
I need to find a place to deal with my problems and my anger. I need to get off the pain meds that I am sure I have become addicted to. I don't need material things. I need the physical stimulation that everyone else needs. I just can't get back to the point in my life when I was happy. I have failed myself and everyone around me and I know they are ready to give up on me. If I could tell my wife anything I would want her to know I am still the same person I use to be. I am just a person right now with some physical problems that is causing psychological problems to sneak in instead of being able to keep them out. Please don't give up on me. I am continuing to fight, but I am running out of options. You have been beside me through everything even though you didn't have to. I know you need more than I am giving to you right. I want to make it up to you as soon as I get past this. I don't know how long it will take, but we can do this together.
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