Not to bad of a day, but not the greatest. Still sore from surgery yesterday and throat hurts. It's difficult to not talk and my wife says the nurse told her it is harder on a persons vocal chords to whisper than to talk normal. So I guess I have to quit making my grunting sounds.
Going to take my son tomorrow and look at a female boxer puppy. Never have owned one, but have owned several dogs just never one this big for a house dog. It doesn't have papers, but I am fine with that. We are going to have it spayed and papers are only worth what they are wrote on in my opinion. My best birddog was not some high paper ranking dog, but could hold his own if not out due alot of the high dollar dogs we hunted with.
My wife has been wanting a dog for awhile. Well, since hers had to be put down about 8 months ago. We learned the hard way with him. Great dog and very loveable, loved kids and about anybody who would pet him. Where we made our mistake was we started feeding him table scraps from time to time. He really loved left over steak, but it caused him to get pancreatitis at about 8 years old and they couldn't take him off the iv's. So we had to put him down and felt responsible, which in all reality we were. We won't make that mistake again and will do as much research as we can on the next one.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Well the day is done
Had my throat surgery today. Wasn't to big of a deal. All they did was remove a growth from my vocal chord and a cyst on the outside of my neck. Doc said the cyst on the outside was pretty nasty, but got it all cleaned up and the knot is gone. Not sure how many stictches I have.
Some how during the procedure one of his instruments he used to go down my throat hit me in the mouth and busted my lip wide open. It's all swelled up, but that's ok. Some people would have already called a lawyer. I am one of those that shit just happens. Not like he removed a testicle or something.
I won't be able to speak for a few days then sparingly for a week or so after that. I go back in a week and get the stitches removed and he will go through my nose and look at my vocal chords like the last few times I went in. It's kind of weird to have someone going through you nose into your throat. I have a pretty quick gag reflex so it makes it that much harder.
Next stop is the stomach doctor on the 5th. I sure hope he has some news for me and we can end all of this for awhile. I am ready to return to work and I know they are ready for me to come back.
Some how during the procedure one of his instruments he used to go down my throat hit me in the mouth and busted my lip wide open. It's all swelled up, but that's ok. Some people would have already called a lawyer. I am one of those that shit just happens. Not like he removed a testicle or something.
I won't be able to speak for a few days then sparingly for a week or so after that. I go back in a week and get the stitches removed and he will go through my nose and look at my vocal chords like the last few times I went in. It's kind of weird to have someone going through you nose into your throat. I have a pretty quick gag reflex so it makes it that much harder.
Next stop is the stomach doctor on the 5th. I sure hope he has some news for me and we can end all of this for awhile. I am ready to return to work and I know they are ready for me to come back.
Surgery this morning
Had surgery this morning. Removed a growth on my vocal chords and a cyst on my neck. Some how duriing the process my mouth got busted open. I think it hurts worse than anything else. Kind of swollen up. Took some pain meds when I got home, but don't know if they are helping.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Well it has come and gone
Christmas has come and gone again. Received some money from my parents and in-laws. Sadly to say due to being on sick leave I was unable to buy for my wife. She deserves so much more than what I have been able to give her this year. She is a wonderful and beautiful woman with a huge heart. I just wish I could do more for her emotionally right now. It's really been a hard time and I am starting to worry more each day about losing my job and insurance and that putting more on her.
Well here it is the day after Christmas and she has gone to her mother's to have Christmas with her family. Unfortunately I was not able to go. It's about a 7 hour drive round trip and I can barely make it the hour to my doctor. I know she really wanted me to go and I wanted to go for her. For some reason last night I started vomiting. I don't know if the capsule camera they put inside me to pass through my intestines is hung up or not. I have not seen it pass so it is a possible.
I am scheduled to have surgery tomorrow and remove the growth on my vocal chord and a cyst on the outside of my neck. Hopefully this goes fairly smooth and I don't end up in to much pain. I am so tired of pain it is unbelievable. I just don't see how in today's medicine a person should be in pain and go without a diagnosis as long as I have. I would settle for any diagnosis so that I know how to go on with my life. Hopefully that will mean me getting to go back to work.
Not much to say today so I will just leave it there.
Well here it is the day after Christmas and she has gone to her mother's to have Christmas with her family. Unfortunately I was not able to go. It's about a 7 hour drive round trip and I can barely make it the hour to my doctor. I know she really wanted me to go and I wanted to go for her. For some reason last night I started vomiting. I don't know if the capsule camera they put inside me to pass through my intestines is hung up or not. I have not seen it pass so it is a possible.
I am scheduled to have surgery tomorrow and remove the growth on my vocal chord and a cyst on the outside of my neck. Hopefully this goes fairly smooth and I don't end up in to much pain. I am so tired of pain it is unbelievable. I just don't see how in today's medicine a person should be in pain and go without a diagnosis as long as I have. I would settle for any diagnosis so that I know how to go on with my life. Hopefully that will mean me getting to go back to work.
Not much to say today so I will just leave it there.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The day continues
Well it is now 4:00 pm and I am still having problems with the pain for some reason. Also started having some nausea. Took some meds for that and will wait and see what happens. I still need to find a way to get this all resolved. I love my wife and kids so much and don't want to disappoint them anymore. I know they are hurting too. It may not be physical pain, but they are dealing with the emotional pain and that can be just as hard as the physical. I really want to be there for them and get this taken care of soon.
If some doctor would just finally say this is the problem and this is what you have to do to fix it then I could take the steps I need to get better. I am so worried about money right now the stress is killing me. I feel like we are going to lose everything and I will know it is my fault. I don't want to have to deal with that. I don't know how I could look any of them in the eyes again without feeling guilty. To go from having everything we need and want to having nothing. Most of all I am scared of losing my job, which will also cause me to lose my insurance. I can't afford the necessary medicine I need without insurance. I have been a medical nightmare for about 15 years now. I can't even walk into an ER and say I have a headache. If I do they immediately get shipped out to a larger hospital because of the AVM in my head. The doctors I guess just don't want to take on the liability. I am also scared by wife is going to lose her job because of taking off of work for me. She just started at a new school this year and does not have tenure so they do not have to renew her contract. I sure hope it all works out and soon. I have become a burden on my family and even though they don't say it I can still see it in their eyes.
If some doctor would just finally say this is the problem and this is what you have to do to fix it then I could take the steps I need to get better. I am so worried about money right now the stress is killing me. I feel like we are going to lose everything and I will know it is my fault. I don't want to have to deal with that. I don't know how I could look any of them in the eyes again without feeling guilty. To go from having everything we need and want to having nothing. Most of all I am scared of losing my job, which will also cause me to lose my insurance. I can't afford the necessary medicine I need without insurance. I have been a medical nightmare for about 15 years now. I can't even walk into an ER and say I have a headache. If I do they immediately get shipped out to a larger hospital because of the AVM in my head. The doctors I guess just don't want to take on the liability. I am also scared by wife is going to lose her job because of taking off of work for me. She just started at a new school this year and does not have tenure so they do not have to renew her contract. I sure hope it all works out and soon. I have become a burden on my family and even though they don't say it I can still see it in their eyes.
Right attitude wrong timing
Well I went to bed last night with the attitude I was going to get up and do something today. I planned on getting a very badly needed haircut and whatever else I could think of doing. Well as I woke up this morning that attitude quickly changed. I always wake up feeling rather bad, but usually that will pass some what with a little time. More than likely that is caused by my meds.
So as I start to come around this morning I start getting pain on the right side of my upper abdomen about where my gallbladder use to be. This pain is usually caused by the sphincter of oddi the doctors thought I may have at the beginning of this nightmare I call life right now. Well as time goes on the pain become worse and I finally take a pain pill. Usually the pain pill will help, but today it hasn't the pain has gotten worse.
The pain is bringing back the depression that I have been dealing with and was doing better with. It gives me a feeling of worthlessness. It's hard to describe how I really feel mentally, and physically. It's like I am being stabbed with a hot knife. I was having this pain just kind of come and go at times, but today it has been constant. I am at a point I don't know what to do. It is the kind of pain you would go to the Emergency Room for, but with me not working right now my wife is burdened with the bills I have created of the last several months. So I don't want to go to the ER and create another bill. I just want this to end. I hate this so much. I am in pain and I can't get anyone to listen to me. I know it's not in my head it's actual pain. This is come to the point it is ridiculous. In today's medicine a person should not have to suffer.
Sadly this is one of the few things that is least understood by most doctors. Many women have described it as being worse than childbirth. I want to go somewhere that this is understood and a specialist can deal with it with the least amount of complications. The best place to go is in South Carolina. Problem is I don't have the money to go there and I don't have anyone to go with me. If it wasn't for my wife and kids I probably would have already lost my mind, which I think is happening anyway. I just want to go back to a normal life and get back to work. My wife says that I am not the same person I use to be. I understand what she is saying, but I am the same person. I am just a person begging for help right now. I have done all I can to seek help, but I can't seem to get it. I don't ask for much, but to get well and get back to my family as the person I use to be. I miss the things I use to be able to and miss the dreams I use to have. I use to dream of a living a health lifestyle and being all I could be for my wife and children. I feel I have failed them all as well as myself.
I need to find a place to deal with my problems and my anger. I need to get off the pain meds that I am sure I have become addicted to. I don't need material things. I need the physical stimulation that everyone else needs. I just can't get back to the point in my life when I was happy. I have failed myself and everyone around me and I know they are ready to give up on me. If I could tell my wife anything I would want her to know I am still the same person I use to be. I am just a person right now with some physical problems that is causing psychological problems to sneak in instead of being able to keep them out. Please don't give up on me. I am continuing to fight, but I am running out of options. You have been beside me through everything even though you didn't have to. I know you need more than I am giving to you right. I want to make it up to you as soon as I get past this. I don't know how long it will take, but we can do this together.
So as I start to come around this morning I start getting pain on the right side of my upper abdomen about where my gallbladder use to be. This pain is usually caused by the sphincter of oddi the doctors thought I may have at the beginning of this nightmare I call life right now. Well as time goes on the pain become worse and I finally take a pain pill. Usually the pain pill will help, but today it hasn't the pain has gotten worse.
The pain is bringing back the depression that I have been dealing with and was doing better with. It gives me a feeling of worthlessness. It's hard to describe how I really feel mentally, and physically. It's like I am being stabbed with a hot knife. I was having this pain just kind of come and go at times, but today it has been constant. I am at a point I don't know what to do. It is the kind of pain you would go to the Emergency Room for, but with me not working right now my wife is burdened with the bills I have created of the last several months. So I don't want to go to the ER and create another bill. I just want this to end. I hate this so much. I am in pain and I can't get anyone to listen to me. I know it's not in my head it's actual pain. This is come to the point it is ridiculous. In today's medicine a person should not have to suffer.
Sadly this is one of the few things that is least understood by most doctors. Many women have described it as being worse than childbirth. I want to go somewhere that this is understood and a specialist can deal with it with the least amount of complications. The best place to go is in South Carolina. Problem is I don't have the money to go there and I don't have anyone to go with me. If it wasn't for my wife and kids I probably would have already lost my mind, which I think is happening anyway. I just want to go back to a normal life and get back to work. My wife says that I am not the same person I use to be. I understand what she is saying, but I am the same person. I am just a person begging for help right now. I have done all I can to seek help, but I can't seem to get it. I don't ask for much, but to get well and get back to my family as the person I use to be. I miss the things I use to be able to and miss the dreams I use to have. I use to dream of a living a health lifestyle and being all I could be for my wife and children. I feel I have failed them all as well as myself.
I need to find a place to deal with my problems and my anger. I need to get off the pain meds that I am sure I have become addicted to. I don't need material things. I need the physical stimulation that everyone else needs. I just can't get back to the point in my life when I was happy. I have failed myself and everyone around me and I know they are ready to give up on me. If I could tell my wife anything I would want her to know I am still the same person I use to be. I am just a person right now with some physical problems that is causing psychological problems to sneak in instead of being able to keep them out. Please don't give up on me. I am continuing to fight, but I am running out of options. You have been beside me through everything even though you didn't have to. I know you need more than I am giving to you right. I want to make it up to you as soon as I get past this. I don't know how long it will take, but we can do this together.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Getting to know Jesus Christ
I have made it my new year resolution to get to know and under stand the Lord better. As a child I use to got to church on a regular basis. As I got older I just stopped going. No reason really, I still believed and had faith, but didn't go to church. I feel now that I am in my mid 30's that I wasted alot of time to get to know and understand the teachings of out savior. I have cheated myself out of a relationship with the Lord.
One of the many questions I have asked myself over the years is does he really hear me when I pray. I believe he does. It may not be written out in front of me, but I believe it is in his teachings. I have prayed many times for him to do things for me and as far as I know he has always answered. Even though I am sick right now and pray all the time that he heals me and I am still sick has not changed my belief he will. There have been times when I have doubted and still do today.
I am not active with a church therefore I have cheated my children a relationship with the Lord. For this I am truly regretful. I believe they should have the opportunity to have that relationship and pass on to their children. My parents were never much of the church crowd, but I do know they believe. I am sure they pray as well. Does the Lord not listen if you only pray when you need something? When you are sick, or when you are down? These are the types of questions I sometime ask myself, which I believe stems to my own doubts. Well I want to remove any doubts I have. I trust the Lord will show me the path and direction he wants me to follow. I believe one day he will heal my current health problems and send me in the path of a doctor or someone that he wants to heal me. At this time in my life I do believe it is time for me to have a relationship with the Lord. Is it because I am sick and have been for months? Maybe it is, but is that wrong of me? I don't think it is. I think the Lord has been waiting for me to follow his path and is trying to show me the way and allow me into his kingdom. I pray this does happen quickly. I am not looking for money or any greedy thing. I am truly wanting a relationship with our savior. He will provide for my family and I as he sees fit. Sometimes the road may not be the smoothest, but with my faith and his help it can be a beautiful journey, I am willing to take.
One of the many questions I have asked myself over the years is does he really hear me when I pray. I believe he does. It may not be written out in front of me, but I believe it is in his teachings. I have prayed many times for him to do things for me and as far as I know he has always answered. Even though I am sick right now and pray all the time that he heals me and I am still sick has not changed my belief he will. There have been times when I have doubted and still do today.
I am not active with a church therefore I have cheated my children a relationship with the Lord. For this I am truly regretful. I believe they should have the opportunity to have that relationship and pass on to their children. My parents were never much of the church crowd, but I do know they believe. I am sure they pray as well. Does the Lord not listen if you only pray when you need something? When you are sick, or when you are down? These are the types of questions I sometime ask myself, which I believe stems to my own doubts. Well I want to remove any doubts I have. I trust the Lord will show me the path and direction he wants me to follow. I believe one day he will heal my current health problems and send me in the path of a doctor or someone that he wants to heal me. At this time in my life I do believe it is time for me to have a relationship with the Lord. Is it because I am sick and have been for months? Maybe it is, but is that wrong of me? I don't think it is. I think the Lord has been waiting for me to follow his path and is trying to show me the way and allow me into his kingdom. I pray this does happen quickly. I am not looking for money or any greedy thing. I am truly wanting a relationship with our savior. He will provide for my family and I as he sees fit. Sometimes the road may not be the smoothest, but with my faith and his help it can be a beautiful journey, I am willing to take.
What do you want for Christmas
Time is almost up to buy your gifts and get them wrapped. I personally will not be receiving gifts this year. It's not a big deal after all, Christmas should be about Jesus and not about what I get. My wife and I decided that since we are living off of savings due to me not working because of my health issue that we would not get each other anything. We set a budget on what we would buy for the kids and I sure hope she sticks with it. I don't get out much and really don't like to shop so she is handling all that.
So if you are getting a gift this year what do you want? If I was getting a gift and had my choice I think I would want an old car or bike to learn to work on and try and fix it up. In all reality I will settle for getting better and go back to work.
So if you are getting a gift this year what do you want? If I was getting a gift and had my choice I think I would want an old car or bike to learn to work on and try and fix it up. In all reality I will settle for getting better and go back to work.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Capsule Endoscopy Today,
Well today I had to go to the hospital and do the capsule endoscopy I went for last week. They had the equipment and were ready to go. Doctor came in before they took me back to talk to me. He informed me because of the incident with my mother going off on the medical staff at the other center She was no longer allowed back there and I wasn't either even though I didn't say or do anything. He also told me my mother wasn't allowed back in his clinic either. I don't understand that, but he informed me he could not understand whey a grown woman would go off like she did. Needless to say even though I didn't say anything back to him it really pissed me off he was talking about my mother like that.
Anyway the capsule test is done. Now I just have to wait and pass the camera and they will call me with my results.
Anyway the capsule test is done. Now I just have to wait and pass the camera and they will call me with my results.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Been one of those days
Do you ever have one of those days where anything that someone says just pisses you off? Today is one of those days for me. I have my usual stomach pain today, but it's more of a burning sensation in my abdomen. I would love to take some tums, but since I am having a test tomorrow I can't take any for the next 24 hours. I can't eat after 1 today and can't drink after 7 tonight. Maybe just the stress of all that is what has me on edge.
Everything anyone says I just immediately lash out verbally. I don't even understand why. It just comes out before I have a chance to think. My wife seems to be the target today. It all started with her families Christmas. Keep in mind we live 3.5 hours away and they want to do it the evening of the 26th. Wouldn't have a problem with it except I am scheduled for surgery the morning of the 27th. So that means driving home in the dark and putting my family at risk if I were to hit a deer or something else. I can't make my wife understand that it is not smart and tell them we won't make it, but will come down a different day. Of course she isn't going for that. As she put it that is her family and she is going blah blah blah. Of course every year Christmas is scheduled around when her little cousin works and always has to be when she can make it. That just pisses me off. I mean hell I am having surgery, but they can't work around my stuff. My wife is treated like a 3rd party and they hardly even call her including her mother, but expect her to do whatever they want when they want it. It's ridiculous. I have tried to get her to stand up for herself, but of course she won't. I am just so sick of all the shit I am about to lose my mind. Needless to say I am not going and can't spend 7 hours in a car with my stomach problems anyway. Ok, I am done with my rant for the day. I just had to get it out before I explode on someone around here.
Everything anyone says I just immediately lash out verbally. I don't even understand why. It just comes out before I have a chance to think. My wife seems to be the target today. It all started with her families Christmas. Keep in mind we live 3.5 hours away and they want to do it the evening of the 26th. Wouldn't have a problem with it except I am scheduled for surgery the morning of the 27th. So that means driving home in the dark and putting my family at risk if I were to hit a deer or something else. I can't make my wife understand that it is not smart and tell them we won't make it, but will come down a different day. Of course she isn't going for that. As she put it that is her family and she is going blah blah blah. Of course every year Christmas is scheduled around when her little cousin works and always has to be when she can make it. That just pisses me off. I mean hell I am having surgery, but they can't work around my stuff. My wife is treated like a 3rd party and they hardly even call her including her mother, but expect her to do whatever they want when they want it. It's ridiculous. I have tried to get her to stand up for herself, but of course she won't. I am just so sick of all the shit I am about to lose my mind. Needless to say I am not going and can't spend 7 hours in a car with my stomach problems anyway. Ok, I am done with my rant for the day. I just had to get it out before I explode on someone around here.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Middle age crisis or is it
I remember back to being a kid when all the camaro's, trans ams and so on were around. I personally had a 1982 Firebird for my first car and loved it. The air conditioner didn't work in it, but it was a great car. Only problem I had with it was when I was living with an aunt of mine. I had borrowed my cousins 70's model Bronco to go hunting and left my Firebird for him to drive while I was gone. I came home and went to get in my car to leave. Pushed in the clutch and put it in gear to go and it wouldn't go. Being car stupid I had no way of knowing what was wrong and kept trying. Then I see my cousin laughing. As it turns out some how he shattered the spider gears in the rear end.
I had to call my dad and tell him what happened. Keep in mind at the time my parents were paying for my brother's fraternity living as well as me living with an aunt. They were tight on money at the time and really didn't have alot of money to repair my car. Luckily my cousin was friends with a mechanic who agreed to fix the car on the side away from his day job. My dad bought a rearend out of a junkyard off a camaro. The car was repaired, but due to it being different gears the speedometer was off alot. Also the car didn't seem to have the power that it had before. Man, I miss that car. Later my dad bought me a brand new 1992 Camaro for a graduation present. Needless to say I only drove that car for about a month and realized the insurance payments were going to kill me so my parents decided it would be best to trade that car back in for a new pickup. I was really into hunting and fishing at the time and was probably the best decision I made at that age.
Now, for some reason I have really taken an interest in cars. I don't know how to repair them, but am determined to learn. I have been back and forth with what to get. Everything from a Jeep to a car. Not really interested in getting another truck. Sure they are handy when you need them, but looking back I don't think I have actually used any of my trucks, but a few times. I don't know why I have reached this point in my life, maybe it's a middle age crisis. I have always wanted a classic car of some kind, but yet I don't because I don't know how to work on cars and don't want the expense of having to take it to a mechanic. I sold a basically brand new truck I bought off the dealer lot with 0 miles on it. It was 1.5 years old with 7000 miles on it when I sold it. Part of the sale was also a 1999 Ford Explorer. It has 100,000 miles on it and is starting to need some repair work. I have also been looking around at other used cars. I have found a 1979 Camaro that I want really bad. I don't want a trailer queen. I want a car that I can drive from time to time, but will mostly sit in the garage. Just want to fix it up and get into going to car shows with my wife and kids. We need to do more as a family and feel this will be a way for us to be together as well as meet new people. We haven't really had any friends since we got married and have always just had each other. That is not how we want it to be it is just we have always just put more into us that we have meeting people. We are ready to find people to hang out with and have similar interests. My wife really wants a old Mustang Fastback, but I don't think she realizes what one costs. They don't give those away. So wish me luck in my quest to learn some auto repair and possible some paint and body. All I need is a breakthrough with my digestive problem and to get back to work and we will be on our way.
I had to call my dad and tell him what happened. Keep in mind at the time my parents were paying for my brother's fraternity living as well as me living with an aunt. They were tight on money at the time and really didn't have alot of money to repair my car. Luckily my cousin was friends with a mechanic who agreed to fix the car on the side away from his day job. My dad bought a rearend out of a junkyard off a camaro. The car was repaired, but due to it being different gears the speedometer was off alot. Also the car didn't seem to have the power that it had before. Man, I miss that car. Later my dad bought me a brand new 1992 Camaro for a graduation present. Needless to say I only drove that car for about a month and realized the insurance payments were going to kill me so my parents decided it would be best to trade that car back in for a new pickup. I was really into hunting and fishing at the time and was probably the best decision I made at that age.
Now, for some reason I have really taken an interest in cars. I don't know how to repair them, but am determined to learn. I have been back and forth with what to get. Everything from a Jeep to a car. Not really interested in getting another truck. Sure they are handy when you need them, but looking back I don't think I have actually used any of my trucks, but a few times. I don't know why I have reached this point in my life, maybe it's a middle age crisis. I have always wanted a classic car of some kind, but yet I don't because I don't know how to work on cars and don't want the expense of having to take it to a mechanic. I sold a basically brand new truck I bought off the dealer lot with 0 miles on it. It was 1.5 years old with 7000 miles on it when I sold it. Part of the sale was also a 1999 Ford Explorer. It has 100,000 miles on it and is starting to need some repair work. I have also been looking around at other used cars. I have found a 1979 Camaro that I want really bad. I don't want a trailer queen. I want a car that I can drive from time to time, but will mostly sit in the garage. Just want to fix it up and get into going to car shows with my wife and kids. We need to do more as a family and feel this will be a way for us to be together as well as meet new people. We haven't really had any friends since we got married and have always just had each other. That is not how we want it to be it is just we have always just put more into us that we have meeting people. We are ready to find people to hang out with and have similar interests. My wife really wants a old Mustang Fastback, but I don't think she realizes what one costs. They don't give those away. So wish me luck in my quest to learn some auto repair and possible some paint and body. All I need is a breakthrough with my digestive problem and to get back to work and we will be on our way.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Whose Ready for Christmas
Don't seem like the year should be over. So who is ready for Christmas? Well, I can say I am not. We haven't even finished shopping for the kids yet. My son is easy to buy for since he is only in Pre-k, but the middle one just started in the middle school. She is a little harder to buy for with all the wants that come at that age. We also have our oldest who is in college. Talk about hard to buy for. I think I could buy her a goose that lays golden eggs and should would gripe that should couldn't eat them.
So due to my problems we are operating on a very small budget. I am not taking this to well, but I can't change anything. So we will move on and go from here. To be honest I am more worried about the coming year. I know if I don't get back to work soon there may not be a job for me when I get there. I can't worry about it cause when I am stressed it seems to get worse.
Let me say ending this year has snuck up on me, but I am hopeful next year will bring great promise and we will grow as a family and learn from the past. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year.
Oh, and if you don't like me saying Merry Christmas, that is to damn bad. You can believe in whatever you want in this world, but you will never convince me of any different.
So due to my problems we are operating on a very small budget. I am not taking this to well, but I can't change anything. So we will move on and go from here. To be honest I am more worried about the coming year. I know if I don't get back to work soon there may not be a job for me when I get there. I can't worry about it cause when I am stressed it seems to get worse.
Let me say ending this year has snuck up on me, but I am hopeful next year will bring great promise and we will grow as a family and learn from the past. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year.
Oh, and if you don't like me saying Merry Christmas, that is to damn bad. You can believe in whatever you want in this world, but you will never convince me of any different.
Not a good day
Today has not been a good day. Stomach sickness like want to throw up for some reason. Can't seem to control it as I normally can. Pain pills have helped the pain, but can't get rid this the nausea or whatever it is. Having sharp pain in my gallbladder area. I am beginning to think more and more that this is cause by Sphincter of Oddi that the doctor first sent me to Dallas for. Those doctors didn't think so, but it has to be something or I wouldn't have the sharp pain over there. Plus I am scheduled to have surgery on my throat the 27th. Problem is some pain pills can cause the muscle to spasm and make my stomach problems worse. I don't know what to do. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I just want the crap to end and soon. Not sure I can take much more. Hell does a person have to beg for help before you can get it. \
Gastro wants to send me to pain management, but I don't want to do that. If I do that I will certainly lose my job and be in worse shape than I am right now. It's hard knowing that you're responsible for everything happening. Just like earlier today I asked my wife if she wanted to buy my 12 year old a new bed for Christmas. She told me that it wasn't in a very thin budget to do that. I of course know I am the cause of the lack of Christmas funds. I can't help it, I don't want to be this way, but can't help but feel guilty. The only place I feel comfortable with correcting this problem if it is Sphincter of Oddi is in South Carolina. Problem is I don't have the money to go there and see if they can help me. I am at a dead end.
Gastro wants to send me to pain management, but I don't want to do that. If I do that I will certainly lose my job and be in worse shape than I am right now. It's hard knowing that you're responsible for everything happening. Just like earlier today I asked my wife if she wanted to buy my 12 year old a new bed for Christmas. She told me that it wasn't in a very thin budget to do that. I of course know I am the cause of the lack of Christmas funds. I can't help it, I don't want to be this way, but can't help but feel guilty. The only place I feel comfortable with correcting this problem if it is Sphincter of Oddi is in South Carolina. Problem is I don't have the money to go there and see if they can help me. I am at a dead end.
Craigslist
Anyone use craigslist? I do and have bought and sold off of it. I have found some good deals on there. Now keep in mind you need to check everything out before you buy it and a lot of people are just trying to get rid of their junk or problems there. I also read the discussions on there and like the rant and rave section. Problem is some people just flag you for no reason. If they don't like what you say then they just flag you and get your post removed. How stupid is that? Rant and Rave is for people to blow off steam and say what they want, but you can't even do that because of some idiot flagging you.
I have also been looking for a car on there. Just something used like a Jeep or small car. Really just want a project vehicle that doesn't need a large amount of work. I am no mechanically inclined when it comes to vehicles. Don't know much about them other than put oil and gas in them and drive. I want to learn, but don't want to learn on the one I need to drive on a daily basis. Nothing could be worse than tearing it apart and not being able to get it back together. I am trying to decide if I would better of buying a car or just work on my riding lawn mower and rebuilding the engine. From what I understand they all use they same principal, but because of the electronics ect... that a vehicle would be harder to learn on. I would love to find an older car that is in decent shape and make my own little hot rod. I am not talking about a frame off restoration, I am talking just making it look nice inside and out. Well maybe one day my dreams will come true. Just need to get past this digestive problem and get back to work. If my stomach would stop hurting everyday I might be able to do that. Just scared I am never going to get better and end up losing my job. That would crush me and my family and I don't know what I would do. I am hanging on the edge of a nervous breakdown as it is. Well I am getting of track so I'll stop there. Back to facebook to do some reading.
I have also been looking for a car on there. Just something used like a Jeep or small car. Really just want a project vehicle that doesn't need a large amount of work. I am no mechanically inclined when it comes to vehicles. Don't know much about them other than put oil and gas in them and drive. I want to learn, but don't want to learn on the one I need to drive on a daily basis. Nothing could be worse than tearing it apart and not being able to get it back together. I am trying to decide if I would better of buying a car or just work on my riding lawn mower and rebuilding the engine. From what I understand they all use they same principal, but because of the electronics ect... that a vehicle would be harder to learn on. I would love to find an older car that is in decent shape and make my own little hot rod. I am not talking about a frame off restoration, I am talking just making it look nice inside and out. Well maybe one day my dreams will come true. Just need to get past this digestive problem and get back to work. If my stomach would stop hurting everyday I might be able to do that. Just scared I am never going to get better and end up losing my job. That would crush me and my family and I don't know what I would do. I am hanging on the edge of a nervous breakdown as it is. Well I am getting of track so I'll stop there. Back to facebook to do some reading.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Learning how to use Blogger
I am going to have to admit, I am an idiot. I have been trying to figure out how to use Blogger to find other peoples blogs I might be interested in following. As well as set mine up a little better and user friendly. Well I have failed at both. I looked up the instructions on finding blogs and it tells me there is a search bar, but I have yet to find that search blog. Maybe one of you bloggers out there that may come across this can give me some tips. Now I don't need tips on grammar and spelling because I already know I suck at both of those. I probably need to learn punctuation better also. You would think since my wife is an English teacher I wouldn't have a problem with it. Just goes to show I should have gone to college, but no I went straight to work since I married the day after high school and had a child when I was still in high school. I will tell you more about that another time.
As the year comes to an end
Another year has just about come and gone. We are approaching the end of 2010 quickly. Reflecting back on the year I have many things to be thankful for and many things I am not thankful for. I began the year on a good note. Life was going good and I was working and seemed to be headed in the right direction. By the time August got here things started spiralling down hill. I was transferred to a new city. My family doesn't know anyone here and we have no friends except each other. My son began Pre-K this year. My health started going downhill during the transfer. I believe that it all goes back to stress caused by the relocation and on if I was going to get enough money on my home sale and buy a new home before my transfer.
I am happy to say that yes we did get our home sold and bought a beautiful home in our new town in a great neighborhood. Can't say that I like all the new rules that come with a new work environment. Seems like big brother has us under his thumb now and wants to be a little more controlling. Not sure what life will bring next year, but I hope good health is one of the things I will see and soon.
One of my resolutions for next year is going to be starting a long and successful relationship with God. I have never been much of a church goer. Maybe it's just laziness or something. I am a believer, but have never had a true relationship with God. I want to learn more and I want my children to attend services and get to know God. I believe with his guidance I can live a more fulfilling life.
I also want to make advancements at work. I want to make a career move that will be beneficial to my family and I. I want my kids to grow intellectually and succeed in life. I want my oldest child to finally find her place in this world and realize life isn't about having fun. It will be her 3rd year in college and time to buckle down and do what needs to be done to complete it. I never did get to go to college. I had to work and support my new family that I had at the age of 17. Yes I made poor choices when I was younger and have tried everything to make them right.
Last, but not least is my relationship with my wife. I want our relationship to grow. We have been married 18 years and I still feel we are not as close to each other this past year as we have been before. I know the stress with my medical issues has played a major role in this, but that is not an excuse. I need to learn that I can't just go off on someone because I am having a bad day. I know my wife loves me and would do anything for me and does. I need to help her as much as she helps me. I have not done my fair share around here and need to help more. I think next year will be a better year for us and we will get past all that is happening with my health and my state of depression.
I hope everyone reading this has a great year and finds the peace they are searching for if you haven't already found it. God Bless you and your family. Remember to reach high for your goals in life and strive for more. You don't have to be a rich man. You don't have to have the fancy cars, toys and clothing. You could only make 7 dollars an hour and still be a rick man spiritually and have all you will ever need. I myself have failed in that, but will do my best to correct that issue.
I am happy to say that yes we did get our home sold and bought a beautiful home in our new town in a great neighborhood. Can't say that I like all the new rules that come with a new work environment. Seems like big brother has us under his thumb now and wants to be a little more controlling. Not sure what life will bring next year, but I hope good health is one of the things I will see and soon.
One of my resolutions for next year is going to be starting a long and successful relationship with God. I have never been much of a church goer. Maybe it's just laziness or something. I am a believer, but have never had a true relationship with God. I want to learn more and I want my children to attend services and get to know God. I believe with his guidance I can live a more fulfilling life.
I also want to make advancements at work. I want to make a career move that will be beneficial to my family and I. I want my kids to grow intellectually and succeed in life. I want my oldest child to finally find her place in this world and realize life isn't about having fun. It will be her 3rd year in college and time to buckle down and do what needs to be done to complete it. I never did get to go to college. I had to work and support my new family that I had at the age of 17. Yes I made poor choices when I was younger and have tried everything to make them right.
Last, but not least is my relationship with my wife. I want our relationship to grow. We have been married 18 years and I still feel we are not as close to each other this past year as we have been before. I know the stress with my medical issues has played a major role in this, but that is not an excuse. I need to learn that I can't just go off on someone because I am having a bad day. I know my wife loves me and would do anything for me and does. I need to help her as much as she helps me. I have not done my fair share around here and need to help more. I think next year will be a better year for us and we will get past all that is happening with my health and my state of depression.
I hope everyone reading this has a great year and finds the peace they are searching for if you haven't already found it. God Bless you and your family. Remember to reach high for your goals in life and strive for more. You don't have to be a rich man. You don't have to have the fancy cars, toys and clothing. You could only make 7 dollars an hour and still be a rick man spiritually and have all you will ever need. I myself have failed in that, but will do my best to correct that issue.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Arterial Venous Malformation (AVM) and Cranial Aneursms
Just jumped right in and started telling everyone about my problems. Maybe I should include a full history and you will be able to understand better the depression and anxiety I have related to any procedures I have been having. So I will attempt to give some information about myself that will show the road and lead to a better picture.
Back in 1999 I was a healthy 23 year old working full time to support my wife and daughter and help put my wife through college. I was working 60 hours plus a week trying to keep us afloat. Well one night I got a migraine. I have had migraines before and didn't think much of it. Well it didn't go away, so I went to the local hospital to get a shot for it. Well they gave me the shot and an hour later I still had the headache so they gave me another one. When that didn't work they took me to CT. During the CT a large anomaly was found and they didn't really know what it was. They then began dumping all kinds of meds into me. I remember them saying I had a brain bleed and needed to be transferred to a larger facility. They said the couldn't get a helicopter in so they were going to transfer my by ambulance and bring in a trauma nurse to ride with me on the trip if something was to happen.
After making it to the larger hospital it was determine I had an Arterial Venous Malformation. That is wasn't bleeding, but could. The doctor that was assigned to me wanted to put me on a life flight jet and send me to Phoenix Arizona. I remember the doctor being rather rude and kept thumping me telling me to wake up, but couldn't for all the pain meds I was given. My wife finally told him she wanted another opinion and that pissed him off. Two more doctors came in and decided to forward my records to Arizona and see what they said. About a month later I went to Arizona and had a angiogram and showed a rather large AVM locating in the back left side of my brain. It was determined it was to large and to risky to remove it. It also had an aneurysm in it. They decided my best options was an embolization using coils to close off the aneurysm. I had surgery a few days later to complete the embolization and have had no effects from it since.
Fast forward to 2008. I have a cyst on the side of my neck that I was going to have removed. They did a CT of it just to make sure there was no feelers off of it before they removed it. I went into the doctors for follow up before the surgery. At that time he told me that the cyst was fine to remove, but I had bigger problems than that. He told me that the CT found a large aneurysm in the Circle of Willis. He said that if it ruptured I would certainly not live to tell about it. I was then referred to a neurologist in a larger town. The neurologist advised that because of the location he could not do open surgery on it and referred me to another town to another hospital to have it coiled. I did have the surgery and had a follow up angiogram 1 year later. As of right now I am suppose to have another follow up angiogram because the last one revealed that some of the coils may have contracted and is still allowing blood flow in.
That is where we stand today. Until I get all this digestive problems figured out I have put the angiogram on hold. Like I have said I am a medical mystery. I have struggled for the last 20 years with different types of problems, but nobody knows if they could be linked or anything else. My biggest fear at this point is I may have cancer and nobody has pinpointed it yet. I sure hope I don't as I watched my grandmother die from cancer a few years ago and it was not pretty. I don't want to suffer the way she did.
Back in 1999 I was a healthy 23 year old working full time to support my wife and daughter and help put my wife through college. I was working 60 hours plus a week trying to keep us afloat. Well one night I got a migraine. I have had migraines before and didn't think much of it. Well it didn't go away, so I went to the local hospital to get a shot for it. Well they gave me the shot and an hour later I still had the headache so they gave me another one. When that didn't work they took me to CT. During the CT a large anomaly was found and they didn't really know what it was. They then began dumping all kinds of meds into me. I remember them saying I had a brain bleed and needed to be transferred to a larger facility. They said the couldn't get a helicopter in so they were going to transfer my by ambulance and bring in a trauma nurse to ride with me on the trip if something was to happen.
After making it to the larger hospital it was determine I had an Arterial Venous Malformation. That is wasn't bleeding, but could. The doctor that was assigned to me wanted to put me on a life flight jet and send me to Phoenix Arizona. I remember the doctor being rather rude and kept thumping me telling me to wake up, but couldn't for all the pain meds I was given. My wife finally told him she wanted another opinion and that pissed him off. Two more doctors came in and decided to forward my records to Arizona and see what they said. About a month later I went to Arizona and had a angiogram and showed a rather large AVM locating in the back left side of my brain. It was determined it was to large and to risky to remove it. It also had an aneurysm in it. They decided my best options was an embolization using coils to close off the aneurysm. I had surgery a few days later to complete the embolization and have had no effects from it since.
Fast forward to 2008. I have a cyst on the side of my neck that I was going to have removed. They did a CT of it just to make sure there was no feelers off of it before they removed it. I went into the doctors for follow up before the surgery. At that time he told me that the cyst was fine to remove, but I had bigger problems than that. He told me that the CT found a large aneurysm in the Circle of Willis. He said that if it ruptured I would certainly not live to tell about it. I was then referred to a neurologist in a larger town. The neurologist advised that because of the location he could not do open surgery on it and referred me to another town to another hospital to have it coiled. I did have the surgery and had a follow up angiogram 1 year later. As of right now I am suppose to have another follow up angiogram because the last one revealed that some of the coils may have contracted and is still allowing blood flow in.
That is where we stand today. Until I get all this digestive problems figured out I have put the angiogram on hold. Like I have said I am a medical mystery. I have struggled for the last 20 years with different types of problems, but nobody knows if they could be linked or anything else. My biggest fear at this point is I may have cancer and nobody has pinpointed it yet. I sure hope I don't as I watched my grandmother die from cancer a few years ago and it was not pretty. I don't want to suffer the way she did.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Psychological affects during long term illness
I said I would write about the affects of being ill and what it can do psychologically to you. I am not a doctor and do not substitute any of my views for any type of treatment. If you are having difficulties you need to seek help from a medical provider not something you read on the internet.
With that said let me begin. As I have said previously I have been ill with an undiagnosed abdominal problem for about 6 months now. Beyond the obvious physical problems there are underlying physiological issues that came up.
One is depression. I have found that I developed it a few months after all this started. I began feeling down mentally and physically. I didn't recognize it because I have never had depression before. Then while in the hospital on one of my many stays I finally broke down after the doctor told me they tests weren't showing anything wrong with me. I have never been an emotional person, but for some reason I kept having these episodes where I would just breakdown and cry. The episodes where usually triggered by pain or could be something as simple as not being able to attend my sons soccer games. I finally talked to my family physician. He agreed that he could see it in me also. He gave me some samples of a anti-depressant. Well I just did not want to take them. I was already on an anti-depressant from a pinched nerve years ago, but the strength was not much. I was taking it because it helped with migraine headaches and was just left on it. I finally told the doctor I didn't want to add another medication. He decided at that point to go ahead and up my dose of the one I was already on. It does help, but is not a cure all.
Depression is a weird thing. I have dealt with people who had it, but never thought of myself being one to develop this problem. I would go through times when I just wanted to end it all. Not something I probably would ever do, but at the time it seemed like the only way out. I have also noticed that since I can't provide for my family and we are just barely hanging on that it is slowly creeping it ugly head back up. My wife tries to be supportive, but she don't know what to do for me so I think at times she just tries to avoid the conversation.
I have also noticed and been told that my attitude towards people is bad. I can't just snap for no reason and be the hatefulliest person you have seen. It can be something simple that nobody would get upset over, but I will just snap and go off. This has caused problems with my wife and I. I have also snapped on my kids verbally and my parents. I have never physically touched anyone, but I can verbally abuse them for stupid stuff. I don't know if this is part of the depression or a side effect to one of my medications. I know my seizure medication has a side effect known as "keppra rage". I am trying to work on this, but it's hard. It's like I have no control over myself.
Well I am sure there is more, but I will stop there for now. If anyone out there is actually reading this and have any questions or just want someone to talk to you can reach me here. I have my own problems
and maybe we have the same problems and can work on them together.
12/14/2010
Well I went today for my capsule endoscopy. After starving yesterday and not being able to drink since 7 p.m. I got up at 4:45 this morning for the 1 hour drive. I get there, fill out my paper work and wait an hours to be called back. The nurse comes in and says there is a problem. The don't have a capsule for me because they already gave out the 2 they had. So I was sent home with no procedure and just a sorry, comeback another day. I was upset, but not as bad as my mother. She gave them a piece of her mind. I tried to get her to leave and not say nothing, but she wouldn't listen. She is a believer in telling people just what you think. I am more of a believer in just keep your mouth shut because it's not going to change nothing. I mean they weren't going to find another camera so what could they do. I love my mother to death and would do anything I could for her, but sometimes she just embarrasses me.
With that said let me begin. As I have said previously I have been ill with an undiagnosed abdominal problem for about 6 months now. Beyond the obvious physical problems there are underlying physiological issues that came up.
One is depression. I have found that I developed it a few months after all this started. I began feeling down mentally and physically. I didn't recognize it because I have never had depression before. Then while in the hospital on one of my many stays I finally broke down after the doctor told me they tests weren't showing anything wrong with me. I have never been an emotional person, but for some reason I kept having these episodes where I would just breakdown and cry. The episodes where usually triggered by pain or could be something as simple as not being able to attend my sons soccer games. I finally talked to my family physician. He agreed that he could see it in me also. He gave me some samples of a anti-depressant. Well I just did not want to take them. I was already on an anti-depressant from a pinched nerve years ago, but the strength was not much. I was taking it because it helped with migraine headaches and was just left on it. I finally told the doctor I didn't want to add another medication. He decided at that point to go ahead and up my dose of the one I was already on. It does help, but is not a cure all.
Depression is a weird thing. I have dealt with people who had it, but never thought of myself being one to develop this problem. I would go through times when I just wanted to end it all. Not something I probably would ever do, but at the time it seemed like the only way out. I have also noticed that since I can't provide for my family and we are just barely hanging on that it is slowly creeping it ugly head back up. My wife tries to be supportive, but she don't know what to do for me so I think at times she just tries to avoid the conversation.
I have also noticed and been told that my attitude towards people is bad. I can't just snap for no reason and be the hatefulliest person you have seen. It can be something simple that nobody would get upset over, but I will just snap and go off. This has caused problems with my wife and I. I have also snapped on my kids verbally and my parents. I have never physically touched anyone, but I can verbally abuse them for stupid stuff. I don't know if this is part of the depression or a side effect to one of my medications. I know my seizure medication has a side effect known as "keppra rage". I am trying to work on this, but it's hard. It's like I have no control over myself.
Well I am sure there is more, but I will stop there for now. If anyone out there is actually reading this and have any questions or just want someone to talk to you can reach me here. I have my own problems
and maybe we have the same problems and can work on them together.
12/14/2010
Well I went today for my capsule endoscopy. After starving yesterday and not being able to drink since 7 p.m. I got up at 4:45 this morning for the 1 hour drive. I get there, fill out my paper work and wait an hours to be called back. The nurse comes in and says there is a problem. The don't have a capsule for me because they already gave out the 2 they had. So I was sent home with no procedure and just a sorry, comeback another day. I was upset, but not as bad as my mother. She gave them a piece of her mind. I tried to get her to leave and not say nothing, but she wouldn't listen. She is a believer in telling people just what you think. I am more of a believer in just keep your mouth shut because it's not going to change nothing. I mean they weren't going to find another camera so what could they do. I love my mother to death and would do anything I could for her, but sometimes she just embarrasses me.
Big day tomorrow
Well tomorrow is a big day and may be my last chance to figure out what is wrong with my stomach. I am scheduled to have a capsule endoscopy at 6:45 a.m. For some reason the gastro doc has decided to actually insert the pill cam himself instead of just having me swallow it. I hope and pray that this will be the last test and will have an answer for all these problems in the next week. I am at the point that I believe only God can intervene and heal me at this point. This has been a long fought illness and resulted in the loss of over 30 pounds and constant abdominal pain. I am not sure what to do anymore. I am tired and wore down. I am hanging onto my job by a thread due to being on sick leave for so long.
After this is completed I have to deal with my other issues. On the 20th I am scheduled to have a growth on my vocal chords removed. I won't be able to speak for 5 days after and only sparingly after that for another week. They are also looking at the results of my kidney MRI. During the testing for my stomach they also found a mass growing on my kidney. It couldn't be biopsied because they believed it was full of fluid and don't want to rupture it.
That's one of the bad parts about whatever is wrong with my stomach. They keep finding other things that are wrong with me and have to address those also. I will be glad to get back to a normal life and provide for my family. That is where the depression has come from. We are having to live off the money we made from selling our house to stay afloat. You may not think about it, but when you can't provide for your family weird things happen to your mind. I will write about that by itself so it may help others out there and even myself.
After this is completed I have to deal with my other issues. On the 20th I am scheduled to have a growth on my vocal chords removed. I won't be able to speak for 5 days after and only sparingly after that for another week. They are also looking at the results of my kidney MRI. During the testing for my stomach they also found a mass growing on my kidney. It couldn't be biopsied because they believed it was full of fluid and don't want to rupture it.
That's one of the bad parts about whatever is wrong with my stomach. They keep finding other things that are wrong with me and have to address those also. I will be glad to get back to a normal life and provide for my family. That is where the depression has come from. We are having to live off the money we made from selling our house to stay afloat. You may not think about it, but when you can't provide for your family weird things happen to your mind. I will write about that by itself so it may help others out there and even myself.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Today is just another day
Well it's another lazy Sunday. Kind of cool outside so I am sitting here covered up with my blanket. Been doing alot of thinking about how I am going to get back to work. What am I going to do if the company tells me to come back or lose my job. Or even if I will ever be able to return to work. I have alot to lose. I already sold my truck to help with the bills some. I don't have anything else to sale except my house that we just purchased when all this began. I am extremely stressed right now and there are so many what ifs. My wife doesn't act like she wants to discuss any of this with me and I know she is suffering emotionally also. I really don't know what to do. Should I make plans on getting a new job that I can perform? Will I lose my insurance and then try and figure out how to pay for all my meds that I have to take on a daily basis. There is so much uncertainty I am lost. The depression seems to be coming back again. I just wish all this would end I could return to a normal life. I am thinking about talking to my bosses and see if there is something I can do since I can't do my normal work. Should I just give up all together and suffer the consequences?
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Automotive engine and body repair
Just sitting around tonight as I have been doing for some time now just thinking about what I want to do. I have a rather boring life that consists of working (when I am not on sick leave) and coming home and watching TV. I don't do anything on my days off either. Needless to say I am bored all the time.
So I have been thinking of ways to get rid of the boredom. I love working with my hands, but don't have any skills in things that interest me. What I want to do is something with cars. I want to learn to work on them and actually know what I am doing and doing it right. I would love to be able to take an engine, transmission or just about anything apart and put it back together after repairing it.
I also have an interest in body repair. Fixing vehicles that have been damaged and repairing the properly. Everything from the repair to the pain.
Anyway I am sitting here thinking how can I do this. I don't want to lose my current job, I just wanting something to do on my days off. I don't even have to be paid. Call it an internship where I am actually learning while working. Kind of a trade off. I help out and am shown how to do things, chase parts or clean around the place in exchange for someone sharing their knowledge. I could work as I had time and it not interfere with my real job. Just one of those come as you can and learn.
Knowledge is a powerful thing. I know I am not a writer by any means. I just enjoy putting things down so I can look back at what i wrote and see if I accomplished any goals I set for myself. This blog is just my way of looking at myself through actually writing it down. I am not going to win any awards for spelling, grammar or complete sentences. I am just doing this as a way to express myself and take my mind of the stresses in my life right now.
So if any of you are mechanics or body shop owners and want to teach someone who is willing to work for you as a learning experience then I am your man. Not asking for any compensation unless you want to pay me. Just keep in mind that I have obligations that must be met before I can do other things.
Hope everyone is having a great weekend.
So I have been thinking of ways to get rid of the boredom. I love working with my hands, but don't have any skills in things that interest me. What I want to do is something with cars. I want to learn to work on them and actually know what I am doing and doing it right. I would love to be able to take an engine, transmission or just about anything apart and put it back together after repairing it.
I also have an interest in body repair. Fixing vehicles that have been damaged and repairing the properly. Everything from the repair to the pain.
Anyway I am sitting here thinking how can I do this. I don't want to lose my current job, I just wanting something to do on my days off. I don't even have to be paid. Call it an internship where I am actually learning while working. Kind of a trade off. I help out and am shown how to do things, chase parts or clean around the place in exchange for someone sharing their knowledge. I could work as I had time and it not interfere with my real job. Just one of those come as you can and learn.
Knowledge is a powerful thing. I know I am not a writer by any means. I just enjoy putting things down so I can look back at what i wrote and see if I accomplished any goals I set for myself. This blog is just my way of looking at myself through actually writing it down. I am not going to win any awards for spelling, grammar or complete sentences. I am just doing this as a way to express myself and take my mind of the stresses in my life right now.
So if any of you are mechanics or body shop owners and want to teach someone who is willing to work for you as a learning experience then I am your man. Not asking for any compensation unless you want to pay me. Just keep in mind that I have obligations that must be met before I can do other things.
Hope everyone is having a great weekend.
A new day
Well after my doctors appointments yesterday it was determined my abdominal lymph nodes are swollen. Unknown what is causing that. Started me on a 2 week regiment of Cipro and Flagyl. Well something about these antibiotics are not setting well. Have had extreme sternum and rib pain today. I know it has to be the antibiotics, because that is the only thing different. I just really wish they could figure out what the problem is. I am going to stop taking the antibiotics and call the doctor on Monday to see what he wants me to do. I know this pain is horrible and 20mg of Oxycontin isn't even touching it. Just need to figure out which one it is. Don't have much to day today.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Current problems
I am starting this blog to keep track of my life as I progress with inner demons, illness, success and anything that I feel like writing about. Since my recent transfer I don't really know anyone where I live and need to get things off my chest and my struggles. Sure I have my wife and kids, but it just seems easier sometimes when you have someone on the outside to talk to so I have decided to just write it down.
Basically I have been off work for the last 6 months or so with a digestive disorder. This all started right before my transfer to my new location. Was it all brought on by stress? I am not sure, but I bet it did contribute. I have not had the easiest life. Some by my own doing, some by poor choices and some by just being unlucky I guess.
Currently I am struggling with this digestive problems. Just woke up one morning with what was like the stomach flu. Next day still the same and continued on for about a week and then was hospitalized. Doctors at first thought it was diverticulitis. Surgeon didn't think so and thought it was Chron's disease. Still another couple of weeks went by with no relief. Surgeon decided it was my gallbladder and it was removed. After the surgery I still had no relief. Scheduled an appointment with a gastro doc and he did a colonoscopy. Found a few polyps, one being precancerous and removed the. Said I needed to learn to eat better and that was my only problem. Well after several more ER visits and hospitalizations an EGD was done. Showed I had several problems, but again no relief from symptoms.
I then decided it was time to go to another. Was admitted to another hospital in another larger town. Well my stay there was not great and a growth was found on my left kidney. After fighting with the "hospitalist" he finally called in a specialist for my kidney and gastro problems. The 2 doctors were very nice and seemed to know what they were talking about. The kidney specialist referred me to another specialist that he felt could help me more. The gastro doctor ran some test and could find anything. He sent me to Dallas to a specialist for Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction. Went to Dallas and they doctor there didn't think that is what I have. He had some tests done and sent me home to have more tests done. One of the symptoms of the disease is elevated liver enzymes, but I had only 1 blood test that showed that. Well after much research on my part the disease has 3 types, with one of those types being that your enzymes never show elevated. It is known as SOD type 3. Well from my own research I have found there is really no cure for type 3. The corrective surgery could actually cause more problems than it fixes.
As of right now I am still having tests ran to try and find a cause. I am on constant pain meds. Well, my symptoms seem to have started to become worse again. Pancreatitis type pain that I had in the beginning. Can really eat or drink anything because my already hurting stomach gets much worse with pain in the upper left side ribs and left side back pain. Of course I don't show any elevated enzymes to diagnos pancreatits.
I continue to fight on. Trust me there are many emotional aspects that come into play. First was just being down. Then the depression started after so much pain and the length of time. Suicide has crossed my mind several times. I would never do becaue I love myself and family to much, but illness can bring out all kinds of emotions. I have never been one to show emotion and was rather reserved. Since all of this has started my wife and kids have seen me revert back to being a child almost at times. I have cried, yelled, been agrivated and just plain rude to people.
I will continue to fight this battle until I get an answer. It has tough because of being on short term disability my pay has been cut in half and don't know how long that will last. I have had to sell my vehicle to get rid of the payment to try and help my wife with the bills and to remove some of the stress off of her.
I am a believer in god, just never been much of a church going person. I have decided I need to start going. I need help with this and god may be my only answer. I am sure he can help me through this.
Basically I have been off work for the last 6 months or so with a digestive disorder. This all started right before my transfer to my new location. Was it all brought on by stress? I am not sure, but I bet it did contribute. I have not had the easiest life. Some by my own doing, some by poor choices and some by just being unlucky I guess.
Currently I am struggling with this digestive problems. Just woke up one morning with what was like the stomach flu. Next day still the same and continued on for about a week and then was hospitalized. Doctors at first thought it was diverticulitis. Surgeon didn't think so and thought it was Chron's disease. Still another couple of weeks went by with no relief. Surgeon decided it was my gallbladder and it was removed. After the surgery I still had no relief. Scheduled an appointment with a gastro doc and he did a colonoscopy. Found a few polyps, one being precancerous and removed the. Said I needed to learn to eat better and that was my only problem. Well after several more ER visits and hospitalizations an EGD was done. Showed I had several problems, but again no relief from symptoms.
I then decided it was time to go to another. Was admitted to another hospital in another larger town. Well my stay there was not great and a growth was found on my left kidney. After fighting with the "hospitalist" he finally called in a specialist for my kidney and gastro problems. The 2 doctors were very nice and seemed to know what they were talking about. The kidney specialist referred me to another specialist that he felt could help me more. The gastro doctor ran some test and could find anything. He sent me to Dallas to a specialist for Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction. Went to Dallas and they doctor there didn't think that is what I have. He had some tests done and sent me home to have more tests done. One of the symptoms of the disease is elevated liver enzymes, but I had only 1 blood test that showed that. Well after much research on my part the disease has 3 types, with one of those types being that your enzymes never show elevated. It is known as SOD type 3. Well from my own research I have found there is really no cure for type 3. The corrective surgery could actually cause more problems than it fixes.
As of right now I am still having tests ran to try and find a cause. I am on constant pain meds. Well, my symptoms seem to have started to become worse again. Pancreatitis type pain that I had in the beginning. Can really eat or drink anything because my already hurting stomach gets much worse with pain in the upper left side ribs and left side back pain. Of course I don't show any elevated enzymes to diagnos pancreatits.
I continue to fight on. Trust me there are many emotional aspects that come into play. First was just being down. Then the depression started after so much pain and the length of time. Suicide has crossed my mind several times. I would never do becaue I love myself and family to much, but illness can bring out all kinds of emotions. I have never been one to show emotion and was rather reserved. Since all of this has started my wife and kids have seen me revert back to being a child almost at times. I have cried, yelled, been agrivated and just plain rude to people.
I will continue to fight this battle until I get an answer. It has tough because of being on short term disability my pay has been cut in half and don't know how long that will last. I have had to sell my vehicle to get rid of the payment to try and help my wife with the bills and to remove some of the stress off of her.
I am a believer in god, just never been much of a church going person. I have decided I need to start going. I need help with this and god may be my only answer. I am sure he can help me through this.
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