It's got to end

Seems there is no end in sight. Still in daily pain. Now suffering even more with depression and have developed anxiet and panic attacks that have become severe, to the point I can't even leave my house. I have prayed, begged and pleaded for god or anyone to help me. My mental capacity is at a breaking point and I'm tired. I worry about my family and what I am putting them through. I see my wife tiring and my kids suffering all because of me. Only contact I have outside my home is to see doctors. I get up every morning sick and in pain. I go to bed sick and in pain. The doctors try to tell me it is viseral hyper-sensitivity and that's all. I don't buy it. To much sickness that goes with it. Nobody listens to me, but everyone just expects me to jump up and do all this shit, but little do they know it's all I can do to live everyday. I guess one day it will end one way or another. Think I am done writing this blog because it means nothing anyway. Nobody I know reads it and it won't help me either.

I guess it's back to writing

Still struggling everyday with my illness. It has actually increased now. I now suffer from tachycardia, panic attacks, high level of anxiety and several more things. The hardest has been the depression and panic attacks. Of course everyone just wants to give me more medicine and nobody to find the underlying cause. I just can figure it out. I do know that with every prescription they give me the more addicted to drugs I get. Not that I abuse them, but because they are addictive in their selves. I don't know how I am going to get off of them when it's time without going to a rehab. I am embarrassed by this and ashamed of what I have become.

Still daily constant pain and panic attacks. The battle with depression is has been the hardest. I am trying to do this without the use of meds and have to wonder something if that is a good thing or not. There are days I wish I would just drop dead and there are days then I just want to destroy everything in reach. I can't control what happens or when it happens and have no  clue how it will end.

My family still don't understand me. I have asked for help, plead for help and begged for help. All they say is they don't know what to do to help me. They won't make any calls to find out what they need to do and figure if they just avoid me then I will get past it. I don't want to just get past it. I want healed. I have prayed and only can continue and hopefully god will hear me one day. I don't think after this I will ever be the same person again. I have changed so much I don't see how I could be. Anyway I have so much more to say, but don't know how to say it and will just shut it down for the night.

What do you want from life

Seems like simple enough of a question doesn't it? Well I have been finding out it isn't a simple as I thought it was. Things change or happen and it throws a ringer in your goals. I wanted to be happy, wealthy, loving and fun. I can look at my life now and realize I am none of the above. What went wrong and where did it go wrong?

List a some good things about life and some bad. See what you can change, need to change and can't change. I am more than happy with my loving wife. Although we have our problems and she tends to not think of consequences of some actions I could never ask for anyone to love me more. She would do anything for me and I would do anything for her.

I love my kids with all that I am even though at times I am probably harder on them than I should be. It just bothers me to see laziness and excuses. I don't accept either when they have full control over their responsibilities and actions. Maybe it's my fault for just letting them have everything in life and not have to earn it.

Then we have the bad things in life. Like right now I am still sick after months and months of doctors and everything else. I can't work so we are living basically off of savings which is about to run out. I feel I failed myself and everyone around me. I just can't stand the thought of not being able to have the things I want in life when I want them. If I am unable to return to work we will lose everything and it's all my fault. People say it's not and that I couldn't help what is going on, but I feel I must have done something to deserve this. Maybe I am being punished or maybe I just don't see the big picture.

We live in a new town and I have nobody. I have my wife and kids and many say that is all I need. I feel differently. I want the stimulation of having conversations with people outside of the home. I want to do things with other people. There is nothing wrong or selfish about it, but somewhere in life I made a decision that I didn't need friends. I can see now I was clearly wrong. I need them now more than ever, but yet due to my pessimistic outlook on things I have sheltered myself from everything and everyone. It's easy to tell. We have a house phone and cellphone. If anyone was to look at the records from them they would see only my wife or parents call me. Pretty pathetic life to live.

I have recently be diagnosed with depression and anxiety related to whatever my illness is. I am told that is normal, but I just don't see it. I feel like everyone is putting so much pressure on me it's unreal. I don't even get to make decisions for myself anymore. I am told by my wife and parents what I am going to do and never asked how I feel about it. They all get upset with me on a constant basis because I am short or hateful with everyone, but everything I can find says it is the depression doing it. There has never been anyone with the mental issues I have right now and nobody knows how to deal with me. They just get pissed and hateful. Why don't they help me work through my problems instead instead of attacking me for them?

At the end of the day does any of it mean anything? Is how things end up and turn out mean anything? Will I still be the loner in life or will I find someone someday to be a friend to me and not want anything in return? Who knows what the future will bring, but from this stand point it don't look good.

Another week has come and gone

Hope everyone had a good week. Nothing new with me. Still fighting the same old crap and not getting anywhere. My medical records have been sent to a doctor my sister-in-law works for and he is going to review them and see what he can come up with and talk to some other doctors. Hopefully this will all end soon and I can be normal again.

Been so much snow there they last few weeks my kids have missed 9 days of school. They will have to make it up at the end of the year. Wife isn't to happy about that since she teaches. She has been great and has been shoveling the snow in the driveway. I tried to help, but it just made me sicker so she made me stop. Hopefully when and if all this ends I can make it up so her.

Anyway as I said nothing new here. Everyone stay warm and hope you don't get the 30 inches of snow we have got over the last few weeks. Woke up this morning to a -28 degrees. This is Alaska weather and now tornado alley weather. As long as our heater holds out I will be happy. Hope everyone else can stay warm as well.

Did You Watch Barrett Jackson Auction

I watched a few days of it. Wife decided on the last day she want to try and win one of the ipads they were giving away in their fantasy bidding. Needless to say this auction amazes me everytime it is on. I sure would like to know where all those people are getting that kind of money to spend. I sure don't have it and neither does anyone I know.

I did see some cars I thought went at a rather high price. It almost seems like it becomes a see who has the biggest set. It's like one guy can't let someone else out do him. It appears more when there is a larger crowd there or if the bidder has a bunch of friends around at the time. All I know is I am not going to dump a bunch of cash just to prove I have it. I really don't have it so I won't be doing it anyway, but if I did I still wouldn't.

As far as my health. I had a few good days, but have seemed to pay for that pretty bad today. I have tried mixing up some different meds to see if it helps, but no luck. I am in the process of gathering my records to have another doctor look at them. I have already been to 3 gastroenterologists, but I guess having one more look at it can't hurt anymore than it does now. I am still worried about my job, but I guess if they decide I can't do the job because of my health then that is what I am going to have to deal with. It will be tuff and and we will have to give up a lot, but I may have no choice. I just don't want to lose my health insurance. I owe enough to doctors right now as it is.

That's it for me for the day.

The Shit Just Continues

I don't know what it is, but I just can't catch a break with all this health crap. Depression and stress are not helping the matter. Now my job wants to me apply for long term disability. My company does not have a very good track record of helping it's employees in this kind of situation and eventually find a way to get rid of you.

We can not afford to live how we do if I can't get back to work very soon. We are about out of savings and I have become unbearable to live with. Hell I can barely live with myself so I can only imagine how my wife and kids feel right now. One way or another this shit is going to end. I am so fucking sick of it and tired of hurting constantly. I have been to so many doctors and none of them can come up with an answer for what the problem is. I have symptoms of several different things but nothing anybody can say this is it. I just don't know how much more of this crap I can take. I hate to sound like a pissy little kid, but it's not fair. I have always done what I am suppose to. Stayed out of trouble, took care of my family and others when I could.

I guess I am just going to have to suck it up and deal with what is coming. I am not sure what we are going to do as a family, but sometimes I feel they would be better off without me and could move on with their lives. I am just so confused that there are so many things going through my mind I can't even have a clear thought. It's sad things have to be like this, but I guess god has a plan for me. I am not sure what it is, but I will know one day I guess. I sure hope whatever it is it happens fast.

Anyway enough whining and bitching from me.

New Year Same Shit

As the title says. I have been having increasing pain, but has mostly moved now to my up right abdomen. It has also started causing pain in my back right behind the where it hurts in from. I am convinced at this point is is definitely sphincter of oddi. I don't know what to do though. My current doctor wants to put me into pain management, but I don't want to live on pain pills the rest of my life.

There is a doctor in this state that does ERCP's, but I don't know how good he is. If I thought he could help me I would go see him. I am afraid of what the outcome will be if I do have the surgery. From my understanding there isn't a real good chance that it will fix the problem. It is also likely it could cause the problem to get worse. I can't handle anymore pain than what I am dealing with now. I think I may see about seeing him and see what he thinks. I know the doctor I went to in Dallas didn't think that was the problem and didn't want to do the surgery because of the risks, but I need something done. I wouldn't be opposed to pain management if I wouldn't lose my job, but I know that is what will happen.

I already foresee losing my job, my house and everything we have. It's hard not to think about it, but I am trying to prepare myself for what is coming. If that happens I don't know how I will react. I just hope something gives before that, but I just don't see it. I am having enough anger issues as it is. I even went to see the EAP counselor at work and she told me all of these feelings are normal. I am just worried about continuing to pile up bills and not working. If I could just get the pain to stop I would be back at work tomorrow. My mind is to the point right now there is so much going on I am not sleeping well and I am sure that isn't very productive to my health either.

Good part about blogger is I can actually put down my feelings and not be judged and if I am it doesn't matter because I am anonymous.

Are You an Optomist or a Pessimist?

I could sit here and make up all kinds of stuff just to make you think I am what I am not. I am a pessimist. I look at everything from the bad side. I can sit and pick apart everything I own or is around me. I, for some reason just can't see the good side of things. Maybe it comes from all the bad things that has happened to me in my life.

Like right now. I am sick and have been for months. I don't believe anyone will ever figure out what is wrong with me and fix it. I think I will have to live in pain forever. I also have a brain abnormality that causes an increase of 3% of a bleed every year of life. Well I see it as when it happens not if it happens.

You could look at my everyday life and realize that I am a true pessimist. I usually don't have much positive to say, but when around people that don't know me I come off as a well mannered and cheerful person. That is a hard mask to wear, let me tell you. Just like wanting to learn to work on cars and motorcycles. I would love to do it, but I fail to ever start for the fact I don't know how to do it and know I will screw it up and will cost me more money to fix what I screwed up.

This side of me really shows when it comes to social gatherings or even just going on vacation. I am so stressed out on vacation I have to go back to work to relax. Problem with that is I have a lot of liability at my job. I have to sit and pray while at work I don't screw something up. Right now being on sick leave from work I worry daily if they will fire me if I don't get well soon. I have spoke to my supervisor several times and he assures me I am not going anywhere and not to worry. Well that is him saying it, not human resources or someone higher up than him.

I think it is time I get right in my life and look at things a little more positively. I know it won't be easy to change this bad habit, but I plan on trying. Wish me luck.

Evidently I Am

Evidently I am a piece of shit of the earth this morning. I get up and immediately get jumped and bitched at for who knows what. I am cussed because of what the medicine costs. Not like I haven't been going to the doctor and doing everything I can to get better. I am not God, I can not make me better.

Am I Really Hiding It

On to another sob story about myself. Today has not been a good day at all. Of course there is the normal daily pain, but today I have been struggling with depression pretty bad. I have finally decided that I need help of some kind. So I sent an email to my employee assistance program. I am embarrassed by it, but know if I can actually go through with it. I hope I can and maybe I can regain some control of my life since another test for my digestive problems have came back normal. There are no more tests that can be done. I guess I will have to live with the pain the rest of my life and I am only in my mid 30's. The news upset me, but in reality I just didn't think anything would show up since nothing else has. I think I am going to have to make some hard decisions that will likely effect me for years to come. They want me to enter into a pain managment program, but I am afraid if I do I will lose my job. I can't handle that and can't let down the ones I love so much. My wife, kids and parents. Guess I never planned for the what ifs in life and now one has slapped me dead in the face and I don't know how to handle it. There are so many things inn life i wanted and want to do, but don't look like I will get the chance.

It's late and I am going to bed.

It's a New Year

Here we are 2011. Do you think this year will be any different than the last? Personally I don't. Actually I am on edge so bad today that anybody that moves wrong is driving me nuts. I still hurt, need to go back to work and so on. I am bored to death and need a hobby really bad, but then I don't get one for fear of failure. Sounds like I am stuck in a rut don't it? Well I am. I don't know how to crawl out if it either. There is so much I want to do, but am limited in my abilities and knowledge. A lot of people say just do it and if you screw up do it over again. That's easy for them to say. I am one of those people that it has to be right the first time or I go nuts. I really need to find something for myself to do.

On another note I have been looking at tool cabinets to keep my hand tools. Granted I don't use them, but when I do need one I have to search all over for it because I don't have a particular place to store them. My current tool box is to small so it just kind of overflows to who knows where. I am looking at buying a Harbor Freight 13 drawer cabinet. I know it's not a Snap On or a Matco, but it is what I can afford. I think my life would be simpler if I was more organized. I am one of those people that starts something, but never seems to finish it. I don't know if it because I don't know how or if it because I am afraid of failing at it.

Either way I need to make this year a better year and get some things done, make some friends and do things different than I have in the past. Nothing worse than being lonely and bored at the same time. Gives you to much time to think and see what all is wrong with your life and not have any plan to correct it.

Another day has come and gone

Not to bad of a day, but not the greatest. Still sore from surgery yesterday and throat hurts. It's difficult to not talk and my wife says the nurse told her it is harder on a persons vocal chords to whisper than to talk normal. So I guess I have to quit making my grunting sounds.

Going to take my son tomorrow and look at a female boxer puppy. Never have owned one, but have owned several dogs just never one this big for a house dog. It doesn't have papers, but I am fine with that. We are going to have it spayed and papers are only worth what they are wrote on in my opinion. My best birddog was not some high paper ranking dog, but could hold his own if not out due alot of the high dollar dogs we hunted with.

My wife has been wanting a dog for awhile. Well, since hers had to be put down about 8 months ago. We learned the hard way with him. Great dog and very loveable, loved kids and about anybody who would pet him. Where we made our mistake was we started feeding him table scraps from time to time. He really loved left over steak, but it caused him to get pancreatitis at about 8 years old and they couldn't take him off the iv's. So we had to put him down and felt responsible, which in all reality we were. We won't make that mistake again and will do as much research as we can on the next one.

Well the day is done

Had my throat surgery today. Wasn't to big of a deal. All they did was remove a growth from my vocal chord and a cyst on the outside of my neck. Doc said the cyst on the outside was pretty nasty, but got it all cleaned up and the knot is gone. Not sure how many stictches I have.

Some how during the procedure one of his instruments he used to go down my throat hit me in the mouth and busted my lip wide open. It's all swelled up, but that's ok. Some people would have already called a lawyer. I am one of those that shit just happens. Not like he removed a testicle or something.

I won't be able to speak for a few days then sparingly for a week or so after that. I go back in a week and get the stitches removed and he will go through my nose and look at my vocal chords like the last few times I went in. It's kind of weird to have someone going through you nose into your throat. I have a pretty quick gag reflex so it makes it that much harder.

Next stop is the stomach doctor on the 5th. I sure hope he has some news for me and we can end all of this for awhile. I am ready to return to work and I know they are ready for me to come back.

Surgery this morning

Had surgery this morning. Removed a growth on my vocal chords and a cyst on my neck. Some how duriing the process my mouth got busted open. I think it hurts worse than anything else. Kind of swollen up. Took some pain meds when I got home, but don't know if they are helping.

Well it has come and gone

Christmas has come and gone again. Received some money from my parents and in-laws. Sadly to say due to being on sick leave I was unable to buy for my wife. She deserves so much more than what I have been able to give her this year. She is a wonderful and beautiful woman with a huge heart. I just wish I could do more for her emotionally right now. It's really been a hard time and I am starting to worry more each day about losing my job and insurance and that putting more on her.

Well here it is the day after Christmas and she has gone to her mother's to have Christmas with her family. Unfortunately I was not able to go. It's about a 7 hour drive round trip and I can barely make it the hour to my doctor. I know she really wanted me to go and I wanted to go for her. For some reason last night I started vomiting. I don't know if the capsule camera they put inside me to pass through my intestines is hung up or not. I have not seen it pass so it is a possible.

I am scheduled to have surgery tomorrow and remove the growth on my vocal chord and a cyst on the outside of my neck. Hopefully this goes fairly smooth and I don't end up in to much pain. I am so tired of pain it is unbelievable. I just don't see how in today's medicine a person should be in pain and go without a diagnosis as long as I have. I would settle for any diagnosis so that I know how to go on with my life. Hopefully that will mean me getting to go back to work.

Not much to say today so I will just leave it there.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to everyone. Hope all you holiday wishes come true.

The day continues

Well it is now 4:00 pm and I am still having problems with the pain for some reason. Also started having some nausea. Took some meds for that and will wait and see what happens. I still need to find a way to get this all resolved. I love my wife and kids so much and don't want to disappoint them anymore. I know they are hurting too. It may not be physical pain, but they are dealing with the emotional pain and that can be just as hard as the physical. I really want to be there for them and get this taken care of soon.

If some doctor would just finally say this is the problem and this is what you have to do to fix it then I could take the steps I need to get better. I am so worried about money right now the stress is killing me. I feel like we are going to lose everything and I will know it is my fault. I don't want to have to deal with that. I don't know how I could look any of them in the eyes again without feeling guilty. To go from having everything we need and want to having nothing. Most of all I am scared of losing my job, which will also cause me to lose my insurance. I can't afford the necessary medicine I need without insurance. I have been a medical nightmare for about 15 years now. I can't even walk into an ER and say I have a headache. If I do they immediately get shipped out to a larger hospital because of the AVM in my head. The doctors I guess just don't want to take on the liability. I am also scared by wife is going to lose her job because of taking off of work for me. She just started at a new school this year and does not have tenure so they do not have to renew her contract. I sure hope it all works out and soon. I have become a burden on my family and even though they don't say it I can still see it in their eyes.

Right attitude wrong timing

Well I went to bed last night with the attitude I was going to get up and do something today. I planned on getting a very badly needed haircut and whatever else I could think of doing. Well as I woke up this morning that attitude quickly changed. I always wake up feeling rather bad, but usually that will pass some what with a little time. More than likely that is caused by my meds.

So as I start to come around this morning I start getting pain on the right side of my upper abdomen about where my gallbladder use to be. This pain is usually caused by the sphincter of oddi the doctors thought I may have at the beginning of this nightmare I call life right now. Well as time goes on the pain become worse and I finally take a pain pill. Usually the pain pill will help, but today it hasn't the pain has gotten worse.

The pain is bringing back the depression that I have been dealing with and was doing better with. It gives me a feeling of worthlessness. It's hard to describe how I really feel mentally, and physically. It's like I am being stabbed with a hot knife. I was having this pain just kind of come and go at times, but today it has been constant. I am at a point I don't know what to do. It is the kind of pain you would go to the Emergency Room for, but with me not working right now my wife is burdened with the bills I have created of the last several months. So I don't want to go to the ER and create another bill. I just want this to end. I hate this so much. I am in pain and I can't get anyone to listen to me. I know it's not in my head it's actual pain. This is come to the point it is ridiculous. In today's medicine a person should not have to suffer.

Sadly this is one of the few things that is least understood by most doctors. Many women have described it as being worse than childbirth. I want to go somewhere that this is understood and a specialist can deal with it with the least amount of complications. The best place to go is in South Carolina. Problem is I don't have the money to go there and I don't have anyone to go with me. If it wasn't for my wife and kids I probably would have already lost my mind, which I think is happening anyway. I just want to go back to a normal life and get back to work. My wife says that I am not the same person I use to be. I understand what she is saying, but I am the same person. I am just a person begging for help right now. I have done all I can to seek help, but I can't seem to get it. I don't ask for much, but to get well and get back to my family as the person I use to be. I miss the things I use to be able to and miss the dreams I use to have. I use to dream of a living a health lifestyle and being all I could be for my wife and children. I feel I have failed them all as well as myself.

I need to find a place to deal with my problems and my anger. I need to get off the pain meds that I am sure I have become addicted to. I don't need material things. I need the physical stimulation that everyone else needs. I just can't get back to the point in my life when I was happy. I have failed myself and everyone around me and I know they are ready to give up on me. If I could tell my wife anything I would want her to know I am still the same person I use to be. I am just a person right now with some physical problems that is causing psychological problems to sneak in instead of being able to keep them out. Please don't give up on me. I am continuing to fight, but I am running out of options. You have been beside me through everything even though you didn't have to. I know you need more than I am giving to you right. I want to make it up to you as soon as I get past this. I don't know how long it will take, but we can do this together.

Getting to know Jesus Christ

I have made it my new year resolution to get to know and under stand the Lord better. As a child I use to got to church on a regular basis. As I got older I just stopped going. No reason really, I still believed and had faith, but didn't go to church. I feel now that I am in my mid 30's that I wasted alot of time to get to know and understand the teachings of out savior. I have cheated myself out of a relationship with the Lord.

One of the many questions I have asked myself over the years is does he really hear me when I pray. I believe he does. It may not be written out in front of me, but I believe it is in his teachings. I have prayed many times for him to do things for me and as far as I know he has always answered. Even though I am sick right now and pray all the time that he heals me and I am still sick has not changed my belief he will. There have been times when I have doubted and still do today.

I am not active with a church therefore I have cheated my children a relationship with the Lord. For this I am truly regretful. I believe they should have the opportunity to have that relationship and pass on to their children. My parents were never much of the church crowd, but I do know they believe. I am sure they pray as well. Does the Lord not listen if you only pray when you need something? When you are sick, or when you are down? These are the types of questions I sometime ask myself, which I believe stems to my own doubts. Well I want to remove any doubts I have. I trust the Lord will show me the path and direction he wants me to follow. I believe one day he will heal my current health problems and send me in the path of a doctor or someone that he wants to heal me. At this time in my life I do believe it is time for me to have a relationship with the Lord. Is it because I am sick and have been for months? Maybe it is, but is that wrong of me? I don't think it is. I think the Lord has been waiting for me to follow his path and is trying to show me the way and allow me into his kingdom. I pray this does happen quickly. I am not looking for money or any greedy thing. I am truly wanting a relationship with our savior. He will provide for my family and I as he sees fit. Sometimes the road may not be the smoothest, but with my faith and his help it can be a beautiful journey, I am willing to take.

What do you want for Christmas

Time is almost up to buy your gifts and get them wrapped. I personally will not be receiving gifts this year. It's not a big deal after all, Christmas should be about Jesus and not about what I get. My wife and I decided that since we are living off of savings due to me not working because of my health issue that we would not get each other anything. We set a budget on what we would buy for the kids and I sure hope she sticks with it. I don't get out much and really don't like to shop so she is handling all that.

So if you are getting a gift this year what do you want? If I was getting a gift and had my choice I think I would want an old car or bike to learn to work on and try and fix it up. In all reality I will settle for getting better and go back to work.