I could sit here and make up all kinds of stuff just to make you think I am what I am not. I am a pessimist. I look at everything from the bad side. I can sit and pick apart everything I own or is around me. I, for some reason just can't see the good side of things. Maybe it comes from all the bad things that has happened to me in my life.
Like right now. I am sick and have been for months. I don't believe anyone will ever figure out what is wrong with me and fix it. I think I will have to live in pain forever. I also have a brain abnormality that causes an increase of 3% of a bleed every year of life. Well I see it as when it happens not if it happens.
You could look at my everyday life and realize that I am a true pessimist. I usually don't have much positive to say, but when around people that don't know me I come off as a well mannered and cheerful person. That is a hard mask to wear, let me tell you. Just like wanting to learn to work on cars and motorcycles. I would love to do it, but I fail to ever start for the fact I don't know how to do it and know I will screw it up and will cost me more money to fix what I screwed up.
This side of me really shows when it comes to social gatherings or even just going on vacation. I am so stressed out on vacation I have to go back to work to relax. Problem with that is I have a lot of liability at my job. I have to sit and pray while at work I don't screw something up. Right now being on sick leave from work I worry daily if they will fire me if I don't get well soon. I have spoke to my supervisor several times and he assures me I am not going anywhere and not to worry. Well that is him saying it, not human resources or someone higher up than him.
I think it is time I get right in my life and look at things a little more positively. I know it won't be easy to change this bad habit, but I plan on trying. Wish me luck.
I think you should start working on a car or motorcycle. Sometimes that first step is half the struggle.
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