It's got to end

Seems there is no end in sight. Still in daily pain. Now suffering even more with depression and have developed anxiet and panic attacks that have become severe, to the point I can't even leave my house. I have prayed, begged and pleaded for god or anyone to help me. My mental capacity is at a breaking point and I'm tired. I worry about my family and what I am putting them through. I see my wife tiring and my kids suffering all because of me. Only contact I have outside my home is to see doctors. I get up every morning sick and in pain. I go to bed sick and in pain. The doctors try to tell me it is viseral hyper-sensitivity and that's all. I don't buy it. To much sickness that goes with it. Nobody listens to me, but everyone just expects me to jump up and do all this shit, but little do they know it's all I can do to live everyday. I guess one day it will end one way or another. Think I am done writing this blog because it means nothing anyway. Nobody I know reads it and it won't help me either.

I guess it's back to writing

Still struggling everyday with my illness. It has actually increased now. I now suffer from tachycardia, panic attacks, high level of anxiety and several more things. The hardest has been the depression and panic attacks. Of course everyone just wants to give me more medicine and nobody to find the underlying cause. I just can figure it out. I do know that with every prescription they give me the more addicted to drugs I get. Not that I abuse them, but because they are addictive in their selves. I don't know how I am going to get off of them when it's time without going to a rehab. I am embarrassed by this and ashamed of what I have become.

Still daily constant pain and panic attacks. The battle with depression is has been the hardest. I am trying to do this without the use of meds and have to wonder something if that is a good thing or not. There are days I wish I would just drop dead and there are days then I just want to destroy everything in reach. I can't control what happens or when it happens and have no  clue how it will end.

My family still don't understand me. I have asked for help, plead for help and begged for help. All they say is they don't know what to do to help me. They won't make any calls to find out what they need to do and figure if they just avoid me then I will get past it. I don't want to just get past it. I want healed. I have prayed and only can continue and hopefully god will hear me one day. I don't think after this I will ever be the same person again. I have changed so much I don't see how I could be. Anyway I have so much more to say, but don't know how to say it and will just shut it down for the night.

What do you want from life

Seems like simple enough of a question doesn't it? Well I have been finding out it isn't a simple as I thought it was. Things change or happen and it throws a ringer in your goals. I wanted to be happy, wealthy, loving and fun. I can look at my life now and realize I am none of the above. What went wrong and where did it go wrong?

List a some good things about life and some bad. See what you can change, need to change and can't change. I am more than happy with my loving wife. Although we have our problems and she tends to not think of consequences of some actions I could never ask for anyone to love me more. She would do anything for me and I would do anything for her.

I love my kids with all that I am even though at times I am probably harder on them than I should be. It just bothers me to see laziness and excuses. I don't accept either when they have full control over their responsibilities and actions. Maybe it's my fault for just letting them have everything in life and not have to earn it.

Then we have the bad things in life. Like right now I am still sick after months and months of doctors and everything else. I can't work so we are living basically off of savings which is about to run out. I feel I failed myself and everyone around me. I just can't stand the thought of not being able to have the things I want in life when I want them. If I am unable to return to work we will lose everything and it's all my fault. People say it's not and that I couldn't help what is going on, but I feel I must have done something to deserve this. Maybe I am being punished or maybe I just don't see the big picture.

We live in a new town and I have nobody. I have my wife and kids and many say that is all I need. I feel differently. I want the stimulation of having conversations with people outside of the home. I want to do things with other people. There is nothing wrong or selfish about it, but somewhere in life I made a decision that I didn't need friends. I can see now I was clearly wrong. I need them now more than ever, but yet due to my pessimistic outlook on things I have sheltered myself from everything and everyone. It's easy to tell. We have a house phone and cellphone. If anyone was to look at the records from them they would see only my wife or parents call me. Pretty pathetic life to live.

I have recently be diagnosed with depression and anxiety related to whatever my illness is. I am told that is normal, but I just don't see it. I feel like everyone is putting so much pressure on me it's unreal. I don't even get to make decisions for myself anymore. I am told by my wife and parents what I am going to do and never asked how I feel about it. They all get upset with me on a constant basis because I am short or hateful with everyone, but everything I can find says it is the depression doing it. There has never been anyone with the mental issues I have right now and nobody knows how to deal with me. They just get pissed and hateful. Why don't they help me work through my problems instead instead of attacking me for them?

At the end of the day does any of it mean anything? Is how things end up and turn out mean anything? Will I still be the loner in life or will I find someone someday to be a friend to me and not want anything in return? Who knows what the future will bring, but from this stand point it don't look good.

Another week has come and gone

Hope everyone had a good week. Nothing new with me. Still fighting the same old crap and not getting anywhere. My medical records have been sent to a doctor my sister-in-law works for and he is going to review them and see what he can come up with and talk to some other doctors. Hopefully this will all end soon and I can be normal again.

Been so much snow there they last few weeks my kids have missed 9 days of school. They will have to make it up at the end of the year. Wife isn't to happy about that since she teaches. She has been great and has been shoveling the snow in the driveway. I tried to help, but it just made me sicker so she made me stop. Hopefully when and if all this ends I can make it up so her.

Anyway as I said nothing new here. Everyone stay warm and hope you don't get the 30 inches of snow we have got over the last few weeks. Woke up this morning to a -28 degrees. This is Alaska weather and now tornado alley weather. As long as our heater holds out I will be happy. Hope everyone else can stay warm as well.

Did You Watch Barrett Jackson Auction

I watched a few days of it. Wife decided on the last day she want to try and win one of the ipads they were giving away in their fantasy bidding. Needless to say this auction amazes me everytime it is on. I sure would like to know where all those people are getting that kind of money to spend. I sure don't have it and neither does anyone I know.

I did see some cars I thought went at a rather high price. It almost seems like it becomes a see who has the biggest set. It's like one guy can't let someone else out do him. It appears more when there is a larger crowd there or if the bidder has a bunch of friends around at the time. All I know is I am not going to dump a bunch of cash just to prove I have it. I really don't have it so I won't be doing it anyway, but if I did I still wouldn't.

As far as my health. I had a few good days, but have seemed to pay for that pretty bad today. I have tried mixing up some different meds to see if it helps, but no luck. I am in the process of gathering my records to have another doctor look at them. I have already been to 3 gastroenterologists, but I guess having one more look at it can't hurt anymore than it does now. I am still worried about my job, but I guess if they decide I can't do the job because of my health then that is what I am going to have to deal with. It will be tuff and and we will have to give up a lot, but I may have no choice. I just don't want to lose my health insurance. I owe enough to doctors right now as it is.

That's it for me for the day.

The Shit Just Continues

I don't know what it is, but I just can't catch a break with all this health crap. Depression and stress are not helping the matter. Now my job wants to me apply for long term disability. My company does not have a very good track record of helping it's employees in this kind of situation and eventually find a way to get rid of you.

We can not afford to live how we do if I can't get back to work very soon. We are about out of savings and I have become unbearable to live with. Hell I can barely live with myself so I can only imagine how my wife and kids feel right now. One way or another this shit is going to end. I am so fucking sick of it and tired of hurting constantly. I have been to so many doctors and none of them can come up with an answer for what the problem is. I have symptoms of several different things but nothing anybody can say this is it. I just don't know how much more of this crap I can take. I hate to sound like a pissy little kid, but it's not fair. I have always done what I am suppose to. Stayed out of trouble, took care of my family and others when I could.

I guess I am just going to have to suck it up and deal with what is coming. I am not sure what we are going to do as a family, but sometimes I feel they would be better off without me and could move on with their lives. I am just so confused that there are so many things going through my mind I can't even have a clear thought. It's sad things have to be like this, but I guess god has a plan for me. I am not sure what it is, but I will know one day I guess. I sure hope whatever it is it happens fast.

Anyway enough whining and bitching from me.

New Year Same Shit

As the title says. I have been having increasing pain, but has mostly moved now to my up right abdomen. It has also started causing pain in my back right behind the where it hurts in from. I am convinced at this point is is definitely sphincter of oddi. I don't know what to do though. My current doctor wants to put me into pain management, but I don't want to live on pain pills the rest of my life.

There is a doctor in this state that does ERCP's, but I don't know how good he is. If I thought he could help me I would go see him. I am afraid of what the outcome will be if I do have the surgery. From my understanding there isn't a real good chance that it will fix the problem. It is also likely it could cause the problem to get worse. I can't handle anymore pain than what I am dealing with now. I think I may see about seeing him and see what he thinks. I know the doctor I went to in Dallas didn't think that was the problem and didn't want to do the surgery because of the risks, but I need something done. I wouldn't be opposed to pain management if I wouldn't lose my job, but I know that is what will happen.

I already foresee losing my job, my house and everything we have. It's hard not to think about it, but I am trying to prepare myself for what is coming. If that happens I don't know how I will react. I just hope something gives before that, but I just don't see it. I am having enough anger issues as it is. I even went to see the EAP counselor at work and she told me all of these feelings are normal. I am just worried about continuing to pile up bills and not working. If I could just get the pain to stop I would be back at work tomorrow. My mind is to the point right now there is so much going on I am not sleeping well and I am sure that isn't very productive to my health either.

Good part about blogger is I can actually put down my feelings and not be judged and if I am it doesn't matter because I am anonymous.

Are You an Optomist or a Pessimist?

I could sit here and make up all kinds of stuff just to make you think I am what I am not. I am a pessimist. I look at everything from the bad side. I can sit and pick apart everything I own or is around me. I, for some reason just can't see the good side of things. Maybe it comes from all the bad things that has happened to me in my life.

Like right now. I am sick and have been for months. I don't believe anyone will ever figure out what is wrong with me and fix it. I think I will have to live in pain forever. I also have a brain abnormality that causes an increase of 3% of a bleed every year of life. Well I see it as when it happens not if it happens.

You could look at my everyday life and realize that I am a true pessimist. I usually don't have much positive to say, but when around people that don't know me I come off as a well mannered and cheerful person. That is a hard mask to wear, let me tell you. Just like wanting to learn to work on cars and motorcycles. I would love to do it, but I fail to ever start for the fact I don't know how to do it and know I will screw it up and will cost me more money to fix what I screwed up.

This side of me really shows when it comes to social gatherings or even just going on vacation. I am so stressed out on vacation I have to go back to work to relax. Problem with that is I have a lot of liability at my job. I have to sit and pray while at work I don't screw something up. Right now being on sick leave from work I worry daily if they will fire me if I don't get well soon. I have spoke to my supervisor several times and he assures me I am not going anywhere and not to worry. Well that is him saying it, not human resources or someone higher up than him.

I think it is time I get right in my life and look at things a little more positively. I know it won't be easy to change this bad habit, but I plan on trying. Wish me luck.

Evidently I Am

Evidently I am a piece of shit of the earth this morning. I get up and immediately get jumped and bitched at for who knows what. I am cussed because of what the medicine costs. Not like I haven't been going to the doctor and doing everything I can to get better. I am not God, I can not make me better.

Am I Really Hiding It

On to another sob story about myself. Today has not been a good day at all. Of course there is the normal daily pain, but today I have been struggling with depression pretty bad. I have finally decided that I need help of some kind. So I sent an email to my employee assistance program. I am embarrassed by it, but know if I can actually go through with it. I hope I can and maybe I can regain some control of my life since another test for my digestive problems have came back normal. There are no more tests that can be done. I guess I will have to live with the pain the rest of my life and I am only in my mid 30's. The news upset me, but in reality I just didn't think anything would show up since nothing else has. I think I am going to have to make some hard decisions that will likely effect me for years to come. They want me to enter into a pain managment program, but I am afraid if I do I will lose my job. I can't handle that and can't let down the ones I love so much. My wife, kids and parents. Guess I never planned for the what ifs in life and now one has slapped me dead in the face and I don't know how to handle it. There are so many things inn life i wanted and want to do, but don't look like I will get the chance.

It's late and I am going to bed.

It's a New Year

Here we are 2011. Do you think this year will be any different than the last? Personally I don't. Actually I am on edge so bad today that anybody that moves wrong is driving me nuts. I still hurt, need to go back to work and so on. I am bored to death and need a hobby really bad, but then I don't get one for fear of failure. Sounds like I am stuck in a rut don't it? Well I am. I don't know how to crawl out if it either. There is so much I want to do, but am limited in my abilities and knowledge. A lot of people say just do it and if you screw up do it over again. That's easy for them to say. I am one of those people that it has to be right the first time or I go nuts. I really need to find something for myself to do.

On another note I have been looking at tool cabinets to keep my hand tools. Granted I don't use them, but when I do need one I have to search all over for it because I don't have a particular place to store them. My current tool box is to small so it just kind of overflows to who knows where. I am looking at buying a Harbor Freight 13 drawer cabinet. I know it's not a Snap On or a Matco, but it is what I can afford. I think my life would be simpler if I was more organized. I am one of those people that starts something, but never seems to finish it. I don't know if it because I don't know how or if it because I am afraid of failing at it.

Either way I need to make this year a better year and get some things done, make some friends and do things different than I have in the past. Nothing worse than being lonely and bored at the same time. Gives you to much time to think and see what all is wrong with your life and not have any plan to correct it.