Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I guess it's back to writing

Still struggling everyday with my illness. It has actually increased now. I now suffer from tachycardia, panic attacks, high level of anxiety and several more things. The hardest has been the depression and panic attacks. Of course everyone just wants to give me more medicine and nobody to find the underlying cause. I just can figure it out. I do know that with every prescription they give me the more addicted to drugs I get. Not that I abuse them, but because they are addictive in their selves. I don't know how I am going to get off of them when it's time without going to a rehab. I am embarrassed by this and ashamed of what I have become.

Still daily constant pain and panic attacks. The battle with depression is has been the hardest. I am trying to do this without the use of meds and have to wonder something if that is a good thing or not. There are days I wish I would just drop dead and there are days then I just want to destroy everything in reach. I can't control what happens or when it happens and have no  clue how it will end.

My family still don't understand me. I have asked for help, plead for help and begged for help. All they say is they don't know what to do to help me. They won't make any calls to find out what they need to do and figure if they just avoid me then I will get past it. I don't want to just get past it. I want healed. I have prayed and only can continue and hopefully god will hear me one day. I don't think after this I will ever be the same person again. I have changed so much I don't see how I could be. Anyway I have so much more to say, but don't know how to say it and will just shut it down for the night.