Seems like simple enough of a question doesn't it? Well I have been finding out it isn't a simple as I thought it was. Things change or happen and it throws a ringer in your goals. I wanted to be happy, wealthy, loving and fun. I can look at my life now and realize I am none of the above. What went wrong and where did it go wrong?
List a some good things about life and some bad. See what you can change, need to change and can't change. I am more than happy with my loving wife. Although we have our problems and she tends to not think of consequences of some actions I could never ask for anyone to love me more. She would do anything for me and I would do anything for her.
I love my kids with all that I am even though at times I am probably harder on them than I should be. It just bothers me to see laziness and excuses. I don't accept either when they have full control over their responsibilities and actions. Maybe it's my fault for just letting them have everything in life and not have to earn it.
Then we have the bad things in life. Like right now I am still sick after months and months of doctors and everything else. I can't work so we are living basically off of savings which is about to run out. I feel I failed myself and everyone around me. I just can't stand the thought of not being able to have the things I want in life when I want them. If I am unable to return to work we will lose everything and it's all my fault. People say it's not and that I couldn't help what is going on, but I feel I must have done something to deserve this. Maybe I am being punished or maybe I just don't see the big picture.
We live in a new town and I have nobody. I have my wife and kids and many say that is all I need. I feel differently. I want the stimulation of having conversations with people outside of the home. I want to do things with other people. There is nothing wrong or selfish about it, but somewhere in life I made a decision that I didn't need friends. I can see now I was clearly wrong. I need them now more than ever, but yet due to my pessimistic outlook on things I have sheltered myself from everything and everyone. It's easy to tell. We have a house phone and cellphone. If anyone was to look at the records from them they would see only my wife or parents call me. Pretty pathetic life to live.
I have recently be diagnosed with depression and anxiety related to whatever my illness is. I am told that is normal, but I just don't see it. I feel like everyone is putting so much pressure on me it's unreal. I don't even get to make decisions for myself anymore. I am told by my wife and parents what I am going to do and never asked how I feel about it. They all get upset with me on a constant basis because I am short or hateful with everyone, but everything I can find says it is the depression doing it. There has never been anyone with the mental issues I have right now and nobody knows how to deal with me. They just get pissed and hateful. Why don't they help me work through my problems instead instead of attacking me for them?
At the end of the day does any of it mean anything? Is how things end up and turn out mean anything? Will I still be the loner in life or will I find someone someday to be a friend to me and not want anything in return? Who knows what the future will bring, but from this stand point it don't look good.
